Saturday 23rd July
6:52pm If I sit on the far side of our bunk’s table in the dining hall I can see Ben, so today I sat on the near side. I just can’t be bothered with him at the moment. He’s taking away from all my fun at camp and I don’t even want to see his face right now.
7:06pm The girls from the first session sent us a package with loads of crisps, sweets and cookies today. How cute is that? It’s so sweet that five weeks later they’re still thinking about us slaving away at Camp Rockbear.
Lovely jewellery Jo keeps talking about how much she likes the guy from lighting. I wish she didn’t. He’s literally tried it on with every other girl at camp, including some of the campers. He’s a charmer, but Jo’s too good for him.
7:46pm I’ve just got off the phone to mum and I’m so sad. It’s been seven weeks since I’ve seen her – the longest I’ve ever gone. I really miss her and dad. She said she might have to have an operation on her kidney, but she doesn’t want to scare me. Of course I’m going to be scared. I want to go home and be with her. If anything happened to my mum or dad while I was here I don’t know what I’d do. I’m starting to wonder what I’m doing working with a load of shitty kids a million miles away and spending all my time with some dickhead boy when I should be at home with them. I’m really missing them today.
8:28pm Awww, I love my campers Stephanie and Alexa. They saw I was a bit upset and so tried to cheer me up by singing stupid little songs and doing a dance. This one just shows how different the girls are to the little Jewish innocents of the first session…
Stephanie and Alexa (singing):“Stop! Don’t touch me there, this is my personal square, R.A.P.E. Get the fuck away from me!”
Since I told them Cara and me want to go to Mexico after camp, they just keep saying how we’re going to get raped. If we sing that song it will protect us against all raping evil, so they say. They keep trying to persuade us to come to Miami and stay with them instead. I really couldn’t imagine staying with campers, but loads of counselors do. I just think it’s a bit weird and I’d definitely feel awkward.
There have been a few reports of the kids having things stolen – iPods, phones, clothes. The head counselor has told us we need to make sure we keep better tabs on the kids and if we find them in the bunk when they shouldn’t be there, make sure we give them a good grilling as to what they’re doing. These kids are some of the richest in America; but it’s just never enough is it?
9:28pm Ben tried to walk to my radio lesson with me earlier. I was giving one-word answers and just generally being off with him. I’m still pissed off; he’s made me feel like a right idiot. We got to the radio shack and I didn’t talk to him, so he left. I feel mean now. I guess he’s right in that we’d never said we were together or anything. It’s just me living in this fantasy world where for once I’m not really even thinking or worrying about the future, then he throws it back in my face. I spoke to Emily about it afterwards, we decided that next time I see him I’m going to say this:
Me: “I’m just trying to distance myself from you a bit. The other day you made me realise I think more of you than you do of me. You made me feel used and I don’t like it.”
This will work well with him. He always says I block my feelings so I’m sure he’ll love to hear some for once. Dickhead. I’ve felt so shit today. Whenever I’ve felt shit before I’ve always had him to talk to, now I’m on my own and I just want to be back at home.