Thursday 21st July
2:05pm Earl and Bud work so hard. They must get up at about 6am and not sleep until midnight – they’ve got to have a siesta, surely? They’re both always at breakfast, lunch and dinner and then they spend all day driving around on their gators making sure everything is ok on camp. Any problem and they’ll know about it on their walkie talkies within seconds and be straight there. I’d be exhausted if I was them and I’m guessing they’re at least 30 years older than me.
6:45pm On our break Cara and me played on the water bikes down at waterfront, except she couldn’t keep hers upright. She kept falling off and then I’d try and help by leaning across and holding her bike still, but then I’d fall off mine. This literally kept us entertained for the hour. Also very entertaining was Cara shitting herself every time she fell in, squealing in fear and bouncing up and down whenever something slimy brushed past her leg. She’s such a tomboy one minute – wanting to ride bikes and get pissed – and then she’s all pink and girly the next, perving on the counselors’ ripped chests down at waterfront and shrieking at over-familiar fishies.
7:16pm Just found out that Zoe is a bulimic exerciser. She’ll eat shitloads and then instead of being sick, she’ll manically try to burn it off through exercise. This explains why she’s always going off running or just lying in bed depressed. Rebecca said people with psychological illnesses like that stay at the mental age they were when the disorder manifested – apparently that’s what happened to her sister – and that is so true about Zoe. She’s just like one of the campers. It’s really sad, but knowing this makes me understand her better too. I guess I need to be more sympathetic, but it’s hard when she’s just so fucking annoying.
Talking about this with Rebecca has also reinforced my suspicion that all her moaning and moping is because she’s depressed about her sister being depressed. I don’t know how she thinks that’s going to help the situation.
It absolutely pissed it down during lunch. The girls ran back to the bunk, put on their swimming costumes, grabbed their shampoo and conditioner and went outside to wash their hair in the rain. Oh, it did make me laugh. I waved at Bud from my spot on the terrace, but he didn’t look too impressed with their energy-saving creativity. The look on his face made me think it was probably best to make them come inside before he told me off.
11:45pm Ben always carries around a notebook so I asked if I could have a look earlier. I found these drawings that looked just like me.
Me (teasing but pleased): “Awww, is that supposed to me?”
Him (nonchalant): “No, that’s Alana.”
Him: “My girlfriend back home.”
I was shocked into silence. First I’d heard of any fucking girlfriend! I think I actually said that out loud.
Him: “Well, we’ve never talked about whether we were seeing other people or not.”
He said he knew I’d pulled Tim from rock shop in the first week, and so presumed we weren’t anything serious. What we’ve had together this last month is completely different to snogging some guy in the first week.
Him: “We live on different sides of the world, it was never going to be anything serious.”
I actually can’t believe he would say that. I’d let my guard down and just thought he was a nice guy and we were both in the same situation – young, free and single – and having fun. I can’t believe he’s got a girlfriend. That poor girl, poor me! I know we’re not forever or even beyond camp, but I’d always felt like I could trust him loads. I’ve never felt so close to any guy as I have him this past month. We’ve talked about so much I would have thought he’d mention a little thing like a girlfriend. I asked him how serious he was with her.
Him: “When I get home we’re going to get really serious and give
it a proper shot.”
Me (in my head): “What THE fuck?”
I don’t think he felt any sadness, regret or even compassion at giving me this news. I felt like he was actually trying to hurt me, which doesn’t match my perception of him at all. I thought with all this ‘sixth sense’ bollocks, that he would be able to pick up on the fact I was really into him, and that he meant a lot more to me than just some guy from rock shop I’d snogged in the first week.
It’s true we’ve never said we’re ‘official’ or any of that bullshit and we’re just having fun, but I thought it would all mean something. I was really enjoying what we had, but the fact he’s had a girlfriend all this time has changed it all. I trusted him so much. I thought he was this amazing, honest and fun guy, but he’s just looking for some ‘fun’ before he gets married and has babies with someone he’s cheating on with me. He should have told me, what an absolute dick. I’m pissed off. I’m so angry with him for telling me like that as well.
I just had to go to the portaloo and cry. How could he not tell me in all our ‘chats’ that he had a girlfriend? I feel like such an idiot.
We need some distance between us. I’m too attached and I don’t like him having any sort of power over me. I know we’re not
a lasting thing – I wasn’t thinking I’d met the love of my life or anything, but I trusted him with all these intense emotions and he’s just thrown them back at me. He knew more about me than I’ll ever tell anyone again.