Sunday 24th July
7:13pm At meal times we normally have to sit at tables with our bunks, but today they randomly let everyone sit where they wanted. The campers were so confused – it was pretty funny. The girls are always moaning that you have to sit in the same place and then as soon as they’re given the opportunity to move and sit wherever, they all stayed put. Proves that people need order and to be told what to do.
In our free Cara and me went down to the waterfront. We played on the canoes, tubes, trampoline and up the iceberg; it was lots of fun. But when we got back to visual arts I saw Ben and the look on his face brought me right down. He’d got mad at one of his kids and ended up punching the bed and splitting the wood. It looked like his knuckles had moved out of place and his hand was swollen and red. If the kid complains he’ll definitely get fired. Thinking of him not being here makes me feel sick and weak. I told Ben and it made him cry. I’m pretty sure this shit is because of me. The kid he’d gone crazy at is actually one of Ben’s favourites so I know him. I went to check he was ok and he seemed really shaken up by it all. He said Ben’s been really weird the past three days – which is how long we haven’t been talking – and that he didn’t know why Ben had done it. Ben said he’d felt so shit lately and really angry, he just lost it. He didn’t directly say it was because of me, but I could tell he was thinking it. I really hope he doesn’t get in shit, although he should do.
7:53pm Oh god, I’ve just been to see Danielle in rest hour as I hadn’t seen her for a while. She was by herself sat on her bed in her bunk crying and holding a photo of her mum and brother. She told me how they’d both died in the same month – her mum had breast cancer and her brother leukaemia. How do you get over that? She said she’d had a really bad day and was really missing them. Puts me having a moan yesterday into perspective. Other people have been through so much in their lives, I’m lucky. Danielle is so much fun and so upbeat all the time. I just thought of her as a hard nut scal who wasn’t interested in going to university and was just happy to hang out at home doing random jobs. But she didn’t go to university because she was looking after her mum, and when her mum and brother died she decided there was more to life than textbooks.
Danielle: “I miss them both so much.”
9:23pm I had to watch yet another shit show tonight. I’m so over them now, I can’t imagine ever wanting to see another musical again. Now I’m lying on my bed with two of my girls, Stephanie and Alexa. They are funny, but just don’t shut up chatting absolute shit. Hmmmm, I want to see Ben, he looked so forlorn earlier. I really hope that kid doesn’t say anything.
1:18am Evening off tonight so I went up to horseback with gay Pete. We took some ‘sexy’ photos with the whips and hats, just for something to do, and then watched the girls’ midnight football training. I was really enjoying hanging out with Pete; I haven’t seen him for ages, until he started slating me so much about Ben that is. I guess it was in a harmless way, but I didn’t like it and it made me feel protective. Pete can’t believe I like him and says I can do better – I hate that phrase. He doesn’t even know Ben, I don’t think he’s actually ever even spoken to him so how can he judge? Then after saying I should do better he went on to say:
- I was fat
- I should lose weight
- I do fuck all in visual arts.
I did something to Rebecca’s supposed best friend Jo earlier and I feel really bad. Sometimes I just don’t think and she’s well pissed off at me. She finally got it on with the lighting guy last night in the rafters of the Kennedy Theatre near us. I was in her bunk earlier and just casually dropped it into conversation, with all the kids in there. She gave me the filthiest look and shut me up straight away. Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me outside.
Jo: ”What I do in my time off and what I talk to the kids about are two different things. I don’t want my personal life discussed in front of them.”
Oops. My bad.