Wednesday 6th July
8:16am I couldn’t sleep last night. I just kept thinking about Jamie and Anna’s last minutes. I wonder how long they knew they were in danger? Like, whether they were just looking the other way and it was a split second until they crashed into the tree, or whether they were all screaming as they slid into it. I’ll never know. Whether it was just for a second or a minute it must have been so scary. I can’t imagine how it feels to know that’s the end.
2:18pm The kids have calmed down a bit. The whole situation has bought me closer to them as they’ve just needed someone to talk to, but this definitely isn’t how I wanted it to happen. They’re even affectionate with me now – which I’m finding a bit odd.
I spoke to Cara about it earlier. She’s upset, but not obviously and I think she’s a bit confused about why people who didn’t even know them are crying still. I guess when you look at it like that you could side with her, but I’m genuinely devastated. Pete is on her side, he’s just carrying on as normal. I can’t believe it’s only been a month since we arrived at camp, I feel like a totally different person, especially now this has happened.
2amish Night off tonight so Danielle, Emily, driver John, and me, went to Winkworth for a drink. We slowly drove past the spot where Jamie and Anna died – it was awful. Judging by the tyre swerve marks on the road John reckons Jamie was speeding at over 90mph down the country roads, with Anna and Leith both on the passenger side. John stopped and we walked around looking at the horrific scene. It was so overwhelming and horrendous to think that this was the exact spot where they’d died. Right there where I was standing, that was the end of them. I couldn’t stop crying, not just with tears, but my whole body was shaking. After the past day of soothing the kids the grief was catching up with me. Anna and Jamie dying so pointlessly and stupidly like that seems ridiculous. What a waste of two lives, just because they were drunk and thought a joyride would be fun.
It wasn’t really helping anyone being there; in fact we were all getting worse, so John made us get back in the car and drove us on to Winkworth. We couldn’t speak for the whole journey; we were just whimpering and staring out of the window.
We got to the bar and it was fun, at first. We’d managed to stop crying and John was buying us drinks, but then it felt wrong to be having fun. How could we be enjoying ourselves drinking in a bar when this is part of what killed Jamie and Anna? They’ll never be here again, and that feels insane. It seems odd and uncaring to even try to get back to the way it was before. The safe bubble around camp that I’d taken for granted has burst – I really can’t cope with, or understand, death. One of my best friends died when
I was 13 and it still upsets me to think about.
We talked about how sound Jamie was, and how he would’ve loved to have been out with us. We’d had a few drinks by this point so we started getting even more emotional. It’s so hard to deal with this massive event in such an odd and enclosed environment when none of us have a minute to think by ourselves. Camp is an emotional place. Everything that happens here seems at least five times worse than it would be in the real world. You’re closer to people here after a week than you ever normally could be.
We were all sat crying at the bar and getting some funny looks from the locals so we left. We went back via the crash site. We’d bought a US flag and flowers and placed them on the exact spot. After one last look and cry we drove to have a drink with the guy who opens his house down the road. I was absolutely exhausted and just fell asleep on a bench as soon as I got there. I don’t think it was much fun as the next minute they were shaking me to wake me up to come home.
When we got back I went to the staff room to see if there were any fun people about – when I say fun, I mean Ben – but there wasn’t. He was so amazing to me yesterday I just wanted to be with him.